25 of the best jokes by Scottish comedians on life, religion, technology & more

Scotland exports many things across the globe, and while people often first think of products like whisky and salmon, our humour has also long had worldwide acclaim.

We have produced scores of top stand-up comics, with Billy Connolly being lauded as one of the best comedians on the planet for decades.

From Stanley Baxter and Chic Murray to Frankie Boyle and Kevin Bridges – and, of course, the Big Yin himself – our funniest folk have had audiences in stitches right around the world for generations.

Your average Scot is often praised for their quick wit, with our sarcasm and self-deprecation always good for a laugh. And while we pride ourselves on being funny individuals, no one says it better than the professionals.

So we’ve taken a look at some of the best jokes and one-liners from our comedians, covering a variety of topics from life and religion, to weather and animals.

Worldly wisdom and advice

“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!” – Billy Connolly

“Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you’ll have the time of your life!” – Billy Connolly

Technology

“What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you’ll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show.” – Frankie Boyle

“I’ve seen an article online asking if Scottish people are as tight as people say we are, but unfortunately it was behind a paywall. I’ll never know.” – Christopher Macarthur-Boyd

Language

“In Glasgow, ‘how’ means ‘why’? You do not ponder ‘why’. You demand ‘HOW?’” – Kevin Bridges

“I’ve been offered a job by the government’s Department of New Words. It’s a great opporchancity.” – Ricky Fulton

Politicians

“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book” – Frankie Boyle

[On Donald Trump] “He’s sort of like a pumpkin having a nervous breakdown.” – Frankie Boyle

Culture

“There will be a lot of people who will wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, and I can tell you that a true Scotsman will never tell you what he wears under his kilt. He will show you at the drop of a hat.” – Fred MacAulay

“Three of us went to a fancy dress party in Glasgow last night dressed as a giant sandwich. We managed to make it home in one piece.” – Sanjeev Kohli

“Edinburgh and Glasgow, same country, two very different cities. When a gun goes off in Edinburgh, it’s one o’clock.” – Kevin Bridges

“Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common. They’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.” – Frankie Boyle

Weather

“I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.” – Billy Connolly

“[30C heat in Scotland] is like the Hunger Games for ginger people.” – Ray Bradshaw

“There are two seasons in Scotland; June and Winter.” – Billy Connolly

Relationships

“If it weren’t for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.” – Chic Murray

“My wife is always saying to me that we should be more spontaneous. I say: ‘Fine! When?'” – Susan Calman

“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” Alun Cochrane

Dancing

“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But I’ve got the ins and outs.” – Iain Stirling

Family

“My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.” – Chic Murray

Religion

“A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.” – Chic Murray

“The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.” – Billy Connolly

Animals

“A lot of people say that dolphins are smarter than people, but if they were, wouldn’t they be saying that?” – Roni Ancona

Crime

“To whoever stole my anti-depressants – I hope you’re happy now.” – Lex McLean

“In Scotland we have a verdict ‘not proven’ that means ‘not guilty, but don’t do it again’.” – Andrew Brodie

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