I felt like shaking Scotland flops before scaling Germany’s highest peak

Full of bravado and confidence before the event. But when reality hits? You crumble. Reduced to a quivering wreck. Sound familiar?

You might think I’m referring to Scotland’s performance against Germany in Munich on Friday night. That’s certainly how it panned out for Steve Clarke’s men in the Allianz Arena. But no, I’m talking about me going up The Zugspitze – Germany’s highest mountain.

Obviously, we could have scaled Mount Wank instead, on the other side of Partnach river. But nah, I was a lot more cock-sure than that. And anyway, at a mere 5,840 feet high – Wank was tiny in comparison. The Zugspitze seemed like a good idea at the time. A scenic ride on a cable car through the Bavarian Alps, taking in the sights of Garmisch-Partenkirchen. And after a quick re-acquaintance with the toilet pan, the first 10 minutes or so was absolutely fine. The boldness and bluster was still there.

At one point, I even dared to look through the glass square on the floor, as we made our way up towards 10,000 feet. That’s about two Ben Nevis’, by the way. But then came the tickly bit. You know when the cable car reaches the top of a pylon and changes direction? That wee rumbling sound, before the thing rocks from side to side? Aye, that bit. All of a sudden, I was regretting that extra German sausage I had for breakfast. And I had definitely lost my swagger from earlier on.

Genuinely, my face turned the same colour as the snow on the side of The Zugspitze. The views were incredible, if you had the bottle to look out. It was when we started to travel up the actual rock face that I asked myself a serious question. Why the f**k did I agree to this? But I had to. This was once-in-a-life-time stuff. When was I ever going to be back in Garmisch again?

When we got to the top of Germany’s highest peak, it was a relief to get off and walk on solid ground again. The temperature was about four degrees up there so us Scots felt right at home. The air is thin so you take shorter breaths. But the views were absolutely stunning. There’s a restaurant, a cafe and souvenir shops, which is unbelievable, really. How did they build them? Where would you even start?

There’s one wee passageway where you start off in Germany and, as you walk through a few yards, you’re then in Austria. It’s unreal. You can go sledging if you want.

My Record Sport pal Keith tried it but had about as much success keeping his a*** on it as Scotland had at keeping the ball on Friday night. Eventually, it was time to come back down, so we got a smaller cable car down to the ‘glacier’ before jumping on a TRAIN which goes through the mountain on to a track before winding its way back to Garmisch.

What an experience. Apparently a few of the players sampled it for themselves on Sunday in their downtime. Before Euro 2024 started, they had us all believing we could climb football’s equivalent to Everest by reaching the knock-out stage for the first time ever. But after Friday night’s mauling in Munich, most of us felt like throwing ourselves off Mount Wank when we returned to base camp.

Hopefully their trip up The Zugspitze has inspired them before we take on the Swiss. Like me on that cable car, when your stomach starts to go a bit and you’re wondering if you really belong there – forget your fears, take a deep breath and remember how special it is just to be here.

Do that, and you can still reach the top.